PDF At what point…
At what point did I become better than those around me at abusing this mind, body and soul?
Expressive Arts Carnival: Hopes and dreams
The theme for this months Expressive Arts Carnival is:
Through drawing, painting, or any other visual means, create an image that incorporates your personal hopes and dreams.
I’m not sure why, but I found this activity really easy to do. This, of course, makes me incredibly suspicious… did I not think it through properly… did I focus too much on the happy, cheery aspect of it all… did I do the exercise when so dissociated, that it will make no sense in an hour/day/week… That sort of self-doubt is the kind of thing that I hope to one day not live with so strongly.
When I was thinking of how to sum up my hopes and dreams visually, my immediate thought was to have an image of a woman confidently smiling into the camera. This is my ultimate hope… to be able to look people in the eye, with a smile on my face, and without the need to dissociate in order to accomplish it. Because, if I can do that, then I will have confidence and a sense of self-worth; and I won’t be living under the cloud of shame that envelopes me and directs so many of my actions.
The problem with this, was that it was based on having a photo that could represent that feeling/image. I can’t put an image of myself on this blog, and I felt uncomfortable finding a representative image. I’m not quite sure why there was resistance to doing so, but I think it was because it would be having someone else’s face represent my hope for the future. As a result, I purposefully moved away from images, and instead created the following Wordle…
These are my long term hopes… so closer to the 10 year, rather than 5 year time-frame. Some are about where I want to be physically (healthy and by the ocean), but a majority are about my mental health.
In many ways, my hopes and dreams are about possibilities… just daring to have hopes and dreams is about the possibility for a future. Then, to have that future possibly be better than what I currently experience, is another possibility. It is possible, because anything is possible. Add to that my determination to have a life worth living, and I definitely think it’s possible.
Solitude within the storm
Some days, you just want the world to slow down… preferably stop. It feels like you’re being swept along on a tidal wave of noise, anxiety and demands from others… but all you want to do is stand still and ask it to stop. The thing is, it will never stop… our only hope is to change the way we deal with those feelings.
The past few months have been a fairly constant series of tidal waves, dragging me under and tossing me about. This has come to some sort of head this week… my mother is visiting for her 70th birthday; the Rugby World Cup starts tonight (the hoopla associated with such an event has been intense); Winnie’s health is failing; and I was offered the position of team leader. Being offered the job seems to have been the last straw. As soon as the offer was made, an internal cacophony erupted… “Yes” … “No” … “$%^# NO” … “What?” … “YES” … “I’m scared“…
Possibly because there was so much confusion, I didn’t do an immediate people pleasing response of “Yes”. They gave me the weekend to think it over, but it feels like I’m running on a mouse wheel, going nowhere. I already struggle to cope with work, so why would I want to increase that stress? My manager and current team leader say that I am ready for the move… but, am I? Is someone who needs fairly major doses of sedatives before they can teach, really be able to lead a team? I’m already showing physical signs of the stress, so would this push me over the edge?
It feels like I’m being pulled in all directions. It feels like the only way out is through the old coping mechanisms. To say “Yes” and take the punishment. Be a good girl, and play the game.
You always have to play the game, no matter what.
I just want to be alone… alone and clean. I feel so dirty and disgusting.
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Now playing: Christina Aguilera – Beautiful
via FoxyTunes
Amazing Grace
It’s considered to be one of the most recognisable songs in the English-speaking world. It’s also the only song that is almost guaranteed to make me cry.
If you’re not familiar with the origins of Amazing Grace, it was written by John Newton, an English poet and clergyman, and is a song of forgiveness and redemption. It is considered to be a Christian hymn, and is sometimes played at funerals, often by a solo bagpiper. John Newton was involved in the slave trade; but on a particularly rough voyage, he began his spiritual journey. Amazing Grace was written for a New Years Day service in 1773; and has been known to be sung to over 20 different melodies, as it is unknown if the there was any music to accompany it on début. It’s now most closely associated with the tune “New Britain”, and can be sung acapella, with music, or as an instrumental.
What I find interesting about this song, is that despite it’s Christian overtones, I still strongly identify with it. I don’t believe that I will ever be forgiven for what I have done, or that I will ever be redeemed; instead, for me, the song is about grief. It’s about pain and releasing that pain. It’s about death.
There are many versions of the song available… some of the more popular ones on YouTube are by the Celtic Women, Elvis Presley, British Airways Pipe Band and Hayley Westernra (a fellow kiwi). One of my favourite vocal versions is by LeAnn Rimes…
I’m unsure about the reasons why I am seeking this song out at the moment. I’m still in a very bad place, and this is one of the songs that I want played at my funeral – another is by ABBA, just to make people laugh. So am I adding to the pit that I am in by listening to this, or am I releasing the grief and pain that I feel? I’m not really sure.
There are so many thoughts floating through my head, that it’s difficult to make sense of them. I know that I’m sucked dry. I’ve been running on empty for about four months now, and it doesn’t look as if it’s going to improve any time soon. I know my safety is a huge issue, and I was expecting Allison to send me to hospital last week… instead there was a misunderstanding, and I shut down. Any glimmers of trust that were starting to be built, have gone.
I’m trying not to be reactionary, but it’s difficult. After the session on Friday, I created this Polyvore set…
What’s interesting, is that the rabbit is looking in a mirror… is the set saying that Allison was at fault, I was, or we both were? Is this about me seeing the reflection of my dysfunctional behaviour, and not liking it? Or is it a cute graphic about no one being perfect, no matter how hard we try? I wish I knew…
One year on…
It’s been one year since my last serious suicide attempt…
Having read others “one year on” posts, they’re often filled with hope and optimism, almost as if the attempt was the turning point in their lives. I’ve heard of some who found that it helped them realise the seriousness of suicide, and how final it is.
There is sometimes talk of babies that have been born, good times with friends, holidays had, and all of the good things that they would have missed out on.
All I feel is a sense of failure. There has been nothing in the last year that I would have missed had I not been here. I don’t see that changing.
Is admitting that letting the side down?
Note: Comments are off.
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Now playing: Sarah McLachlan – I Will Remember You [Live]
via FoxyTunes
Don’t look down
Don’t look down, just keep on walking the tightrope…
People want to cut the rope, and knock you off balance by throwing more things at you to juggle. At the moment I don’t seem t have any option, other than to keep taking them on board, and adding them to my act. Because it is all just an act. If the rope gets cut, then so be it. No great loss.
Reminds me of a PostSecret I came across recently -
I only know how to be a supporting character… helping them solve their problems, while giving nothing away of my own struggles.
One day I might be strong enough to send in my own secret; until then, I’ll keep on identify with others.
Edit: Please note that this is about a situation at work. I’ve become a dumping ground for the different factions at work who can’t play nicely with each other in the sand pit. It’s doing my head in.
Confessions of a confused child
I get confused, between the then and now.
It’s easy to fall back on the familiar, because that is all I know.
They say I’m trouble, but all I’m doing is following the rules.
They say the rules have changed.
I’ve been tricked like that before.
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Now playing: Chopin Nocturne Op.27 No.1
via FoxyTunes
Shame and disgust
I hold the shame and disgust, because there’s no where else to put it.
If I don’t hold it, where would it go?
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Now playing: The Beatles – Blackbird
via FoxyTunes
