Losing control
Yesterday during lunch at work, I had no idea who I was. I had no idea what my name was, how old I was or where in the world I was. There was a sense of detached wonder about being able to use the computer… “wow, I can use this thing”. I had no memory of learning how to type, or even how to use my body to do basic things such as pick up my cup. Everything seemed so big, scary, and yet wondrous at the same time. It also seemed really bright… the artificial light in the office felt like I was looking directly into the Sun.
This is yet another sign that the dissociation is out of control… this was a young one from our internal Basement, in charge of the body, while at work. That can’t happen again. It’s not fair to the young one, or to the ones who usually attend work.
The problem is, what to do in order to get some sense of control back? We’re actively doing all the coping mechanisms we can think of – breathing, taking breaks at work, distracting, grounding etc. But I’m still a mess. I’m constantly getting flashbacks of some sort… I’m seeing things out of the corner of my eye (psychosis or a lack of sleep?)… It feels as if I’m constantly on the edge of switching – that spacey, free-falling feeling…
There’s also dread… I don’t WANT to know why I keep on seeing flashbacks of the changing rooms at the rugby club; I don’t WANT to know why L&P is suddenly a trigger; and I don’t WANT to know why I keep hearing certain phrases over and over in my head… I’ve had enough… Surely there can’t be more.
But, I also know that I need to listen and try to understand what’s happening internally. I know this is the way to healing… listening, understanding and easing the pain. But, I don’t think I have the strength to do this anymore…
Below is a something that was created while at work earlier in the week. I’m not good at art – I got a D for it in school. So I’m unable to translate what is in my head into something that is recognisable in practice. I keep trying to tell myself that art within a healing context is more about the feelings, than the technique… but I still can’t get past how bad it looks in comparison to what was wanted. It’s so frustrating when I can’t find a way to express what is going on in my head…
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Now playing: Cat Stevens – Moonshadow
via FoxyTunes
