Letter to a young one
Dear young one,
First of all, you are young. You are not a little adult, you are a young girl… This alone should explain so much to you, but it won’t because I know you are fighting and struggling to make sense of the world you find yourself in. You are strong, brave and stubborn… You take on so much of the world around you, that it is hard to make you out as an individual identity. But, please remember that you are a young girl…
I sense that you need to hear the words “I forgive you”, but there is nothing to forgive you for. You did an amazing job holding it all together when those around you were hurting you and themselves. I’m so sorry that you had to take on this burden of abuse. This burden had nothing to do with how pretty, thin, attractive or loud you were… there are no reasons why… there are excuses, but no reasons. I’m not sure what will ease your sense of guilt and ownership over the abuse… I could quote you research about alcoholic fathers, absentee mothers, sibling rivalry and a society built around ignoring the child as an individual with rights, but I know that you will look for excuses within that research… You will look for any proof that the abuse was, and is, your fault. So I won’t hand you that information to confuse you further, instead I would like to do what should have happened long ago… get down to your eye level, look you straight in the eye and say “It wasn’t your fault”. You hold no blame for what happened, they were events done to you, not by you. Even the events where you are sure you were the instigator, you weren’t. You were trying to find new ways to protect yourself and ease the burden.
I stand in awe of what you accomplished through all of the pain of what was happening to you. Do you know that? I don’t know how you did it. You have a strength I cannot fathom. The amount of times you picked yourself up and kept on going… the amount of times you looked towards the pain and kept on going. I’m so proud to consider that you are what I have come from. You excelled in all that you tried – I have the reports which tell of your intelligence, I’m told you moved with grace and poise on the dance floor and you played above your grade in sports you enjoyed. I know you consider these accomplishments nothing, and I wish you could tell them with pride. But what really amazes me, is that you defended those around you whom you thought were being picked on. Your sense of social justice remained intact, despite all of what happened to you. Not only did it remain intact, but you actively found ways to defend and help those who were being victimised. You couldn’t succeed all the time, but you tried… and kept on trying no matter what.
I’m not sure that I will ever understand what happened to you. Looking back, I don’t know what advice I could give you that would ease your burden. I could say “don’t trust people”, but then I wonder if you didn’t have some form of trust, whether you would still hold to that sense of social justice? I could tell you not to go near the kindergarten playground, or near that woodshed… but I know that this wouldn’t solve the problems you faced. I want to protect you from the pain you faced, but I know I am helpless to do so. My only hope now, is to help you heal. I’m not sure how to do this, and in this I need your help. I need to know what you need, and when you need it. I try my best to help you heal, but I know I make mistakes. I hope you forgive these errors… I know this is asking a lot of you, especially when so many people have let you down in the past, but I again need you to be strong. This is a different strength, this isn’t about putting up with more pain… this is about telling me when it hurts, telling me when you are scared, telling me when you need help. We all need help young one, but it takes strength to ask and receive that help…
Thank you for all you have done for me, young one. You have given me so many gifts, it is now my turn to return some of those gifts, if you will let me. You will notice that I don’t mention the word “love”… I avoid using this word as we all know that I don’t understand the concept… instead, please understand that I respect and admire you. I couldn’t have made it this far without you…
Yours sincerely,
M
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