Caught up in the moment
So much of my time is caught up in the moment. I’m only aware of the here and now, I have no past and no future. Some would consider this living a mindful life, but I think that it’s the opposite. When I only exist in the moment I forget all consequences and everything I’ve learned. My ability to reflect on the past fades away, so I find it hard to put the moment into a meaningful context. In many ways, it is living a life of mindlessness, lurching from one moment to the next with no connect between them. Life becomes disjointed, rather than harmonious. Internally, I get treated to a series of billboards detailing what has happened in the previous moments. It’s a highly dissociative experience, and one I’m experiencing more and more.
It’s interesting being caught in the moment. You don’t care about anything… It doesn’t matter if people trample all over your boundaries… It doesn’t matter if they hurt you with words… It doesn’t matter what happens to your body… It will all be forgotten in the next moment.
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I know what you mean. When I’m that way, I remember later that things happened that would normally make me angry, but at the time, I remember not even being able to process past recognition of the incident before another “event” takes the previous one away. It’s awful, really, and like a freaking video game.
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castorgirl Reply:
December 21st, 2009 at 2:42 pm
It is awful, but it’s another old coping mechanism… We can learn to heal these wounds, I know we can.
Take care,
CG
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Hugs. I’m thinking of you.
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I’m thinking of you, too. The disorganization of care is just appalling … things are hard enough for you without your having to fight tooth and nail just to get help to stay safe.
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castorgirl Reply:
December 21st, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Thanks Kerro and David…
I got confused over the weekend, I actually got a good response from the crisis team. They were kind and understanding. They probably should’ve forced a visit to the psyc ward, but still what they offered was much better than they have in the past.
Take care, have a safe and happy holiday,
CG
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I’ve struggled with this so much myself. Thanks for putting it so eloquently in words.
Hey, come “pick up” a little gift of gratitude I created at my blog when you get a chance. Thinking of you!
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castorgirl Reply:
December 21st, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Thank you Marj… and thank you for that gift of gratitude :) I hope you have a safe and happy holiday.
Take care,
CG
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This sounds really scary. I hope you are OK. Love Pumpkin
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i hope you are ok
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castorgirl Reply:
December 21st, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Hi Pumpkin,
Thank you, we’re working on being ok :)
Take care,
CG
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I’m so sorry that you had to put yourself in this space because you aren’t getting the help you need. I wish I could “do something”! I know this space you are in. It’s horrible. But, if you try to keep in mind that your body (and mind) is doing what it needs to do right now to protect you, maybe that will help a bit.
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castorgirl Reply:
December 21st, 2009 at 2:45 pm
You do something by understanding it Paul – thank you. Knowing someone understands is an important part of me realising that I’m not making all of this up. It helps me fight those messages and keeps me going.
Take care,
CG
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understanding what youre saying
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castorgirl Reply:
December 21st, 2009 at 2:46 pm
I both glad and sorry you understand JIP – glad that neither of us experience this alone, so it is something that is in the realm of “usual”. But also sorry that someone else experiences this at all…
Please take care,
CG
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wow, you described SO well what I been trying to figger.
That explain lots.
I have know the phenominon but didn’t have words.
I will use your words in my journal to explain if that is OK.
I hope you doing ok.
There’s bad times but it can be ok too.
Ones
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castorgirl Reply:
January 3rd, 2010 at 2:42 pm
Hi Ones,
I’m glad my writing helped to explain something for you. Yes, I fine with you using this in your private journal… but I always think that the emotions are so expressed and worked through if you can say them in your own words.
Take care,
CG
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