Is this what anger feels like?
“I always thought there was something going on.”
Those are the words my mother has repeated to me several times about one of the sisters boyfriends who was abusing me.
“I always thought there was something going on.”
Those words are possibly meant to validate what I experienced… sort of a vote that the mother believes we may have been hurt… But this is what those words say to some of us…
“You were not worth worrying about. I suspected you were being hurt, but you weren’t as important as the sister… our reputation… my feelings… anything… you are, and were, worthless and meaningless.”
Because of how we view that sentence by the mother, I think there is a deep seeded feeling of resentment towards her. I don’t know if it is anger, maybe it is. I don’t know what anger feels like… Liz tried to explain to me that my feelings of anger drive my self-injury and suicidal ideation. If this is the case then I’m in trouble, as the mother is coming up for a two week visit over the Christmas break. Already the craziness has started… Last night I spent a disastrous night in the local psychiatric ward because I felt so unsafe.
Last nights experiences again raises the question of where I can get effective help in keeping myself safe. I talked to Liz about my safety last week and she suggested respite care places I’d never heard about before. This might be my only hope of finding somewhere I can go to stay safe and have the space to work on what I need to internally. Last night has shown me that I won’t find that environment in our public health system. So my only hope is to work this through myself with the basic level of assistance that Liz can offer. I realise that I can’t do this with the mother here. I could try to cancel her visit, but this is unlikely to occur as she has sold her house and will effectively be homeless over Christmas. So, my devious side has come up with a plan to use her to feed our cat while we go into respite care. I’m not sure if I can work it – it will depend on the psychiatrist saying that it is necessary, the respite places having an opening and me being able to cope with the place without necessary things like my computer – I will have the iPhone though, as long as they have wifi or 3G… I’ll also have the camera…
I realise that the people in the respite care won’t have any specialisation in trauma or DID. But, as a friend suggested, I need to work on this stuff internally or else I’m in trouble. So, if I can’t look for external sources for that help, then I’d better find some way of facing the internal chaos in my own way. I won’t necessarily find the answers or get the insight that would come with an external opinion, but it’s better than treading water in an ocean rip like I’m currently doing.
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Now playing: Hollie Smith – Bathe in the river
via FoxyTunes
