Comments on: How many lives do you lead?

By: castorgirl

castorgirl — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 04:57:03 +0000

I get the feeling they’ll get very sick of waiting for me to be ready and force the issue if I’m not careful. I need to work closer with the hurt ones – part of which is respecting their view that they aren’t hurt.

Take care,
CG

By: castorgirl

castorgirl — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 04:54:07 +0000

I liked how I used to be able to cope and be “reliably available”, but I know it wasn’t sustainable. I see my long term goal as reaching a point where we can work together so that there is less unreliability (so to speak). I avoid situations at the moment because I know the risk is too high.

I can understand what you are talking about regarding the sense of wholeness and peace, it just feels very out of reach right now.

Take care,
CG

By: Paul

Paul — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 04:22:21 +0000

“Reliably available” parts was one of the advantages of the old way of coping. I know it’s hard to keep in mind that when we heal we lose this reliability, but we gain something far greater… just don’t ask me now what that is! But I know I have had glimpses of it… the sense of wholeness, the sense of peace, the sense of self-love and self-comfort… all of it.

By: Paul

Paul — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 04:18:49 +0000

The reality is that it is not similar to what everyone else experiences. That’s why I have to reality check when I think that way. And thinking that way and going into denial ALWAYS gets me in trouble. Major trouble.

At least you know that your current way of dealing with all of this is not sustainable. I hope that the safety you feel from maintaining this distance will lead to another completely different level of safety when you actually find a way to work with these parts. It’s inevitable that you will.

Take care to you too,

Paul

By: castorgirl

castorgirl — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 02:58:40 +0000

For me, the “reliably available” aspect of the persona is what I lack (or value) the most. I would like to know that when I go to a meeting that I’m going to be able to sustain a working persona during the entire meeting. At the moment, I fear every meeting or event as I know from past experience that a minor trigger, or being tired, can cause me to switch to a very different state of being.

Thank you for your explanation David…
Take care,
CG

By: castorgirl

castorgirl — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 02:25:40 +0000

I can identify with what you are saying about our experiences being similar to everyone else, but we make a big deal out of it. I constantly struggle with this as there’s no indication other than our own reporting as to what we experience is anything other than what the majority of the population also experience.

We have an incentive not to let the worlds collide – it’s scary, confusing and sometimes leads to negative behaviours. But I can also appreciate that we need to let the two at least meet. It’s easier to say “I’m healing” and not have to consider the really hurt and angry ones when we make those statements… I know that whenever they’ve come close I’ve actively pushed them away and said that I’m not ready for them. It seems safer to heal within the worlds I’m comfortable with… I know that isn’t sustainable, but it feels safer.

Take care,
CG

By: David

David — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 21:45:13 +0000

Hi CG –

I think the simplest way to differentiate between the singleton’s facets of personality and the DIDer’s alters is that the singleton identifies the facets as different parts of the self, and we identify them as different people whom we do not necessarily recognize to be ourselves. Additionally, unlike a singleton, we do not necessarily have reliable access to the other parts. A singleton who goes to work and has a work persona can rely on that work persona being reliably available. Someone with DID does not necessarily have that reliability of presentation — or we may not be able to switch back out of that state into a different state with any degree of fluidity, whereas a singleton can usually go from work to a party and know that their “party” self will be accessible.

So — yes, singletons have personas. However, they identify them as parts of themselves, rather than as discrete entities; and there is far more ease of transition.

By: Paul

Paul — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 03:14:38 +0000

CG, Thanks for bringing this up. I think about this a lot and this is what drives the “I’m a liar” stuff. I seem to sometimes think that what I experience is really what everyone else experiences just that I make a big deal about it.

I understand what you say about two worlds colliding. And I know I contradicted that on my blog a bit. I think that most of the time, at least for some of us with DID, we stick to the script and try not to let the two different parts collide. And even when we think we are doing a lot of healing work, we may be doing it on some level, but seem to always let the really difficult parts not be part of that healing.

Stay safe.

By: castorgirl

castorgirl — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 04:59:04 +0000

Hi Kerro,

We don’t consider ourselves a good example of what it is like to live with DID – but then, I don’t think it is possible to get someone who is stereotypically DID.

I get what you mean about the gap between the personas changing over time. I think this is part of the healing process, as we become more aware of what we are doing and our motivations for doing so. It’s also about us healing and realising that we don’t have to meet others expectations – we don’t have to be perfect at work, we don’t have to say we want to go out when we don’t want to etc. So our personas shift over time as we heal and grow.

Take care,
CG

By: castorgirl

castorgirl — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 04:54:06 +0000

Hi Ivory,

Thank you for your comments, I’m never sure if what I experience is common, usual or different. The moral centre is the one that affects me the most, I’ll ask Liz on Tuesday for her opinion.

Take care,
CG