Jo
I’ve just come from an appointment with Jo. Jo is a physically similar to us in many ways, which made it hard when we walked in today and found her with her arm in a sling, a foot brace on her right foot, bruises on her arms and a black eye. We were already a little fragile, but that sent us over the edge. It was impossible to stop transferring her injuries to how it was with us when we were with the husband. She assured us that she had been hurt in a fall caused by her wearing high heels which she was unfamiliar with… But inside the young ones were screaming that someone had pushed her. Even after further assurance, they still didn’t believe her – we used to make excuses and say that the bruises were for all sorts of reasons.
We couldn’t cope with her in all of the bandages, so blocked her from our vision. When we get particularly stressed about something visual, that object becomes blurred in our vision. So Jo became a dark blur in the upper left corner, of what became a narrower and narrower field of vision. We had to leave, we couldn’t stay. We were dissociating and switching all over the place. M was trying to bring a sense of calm to the system by blocking out and stamping down the memories again, but it was too late… the memories were triggered and running rampant.
We felt so guilty for making her injuries about us and our triggers. We were worried for her, but the overwhelming message came about us being hurt. Feeling so pathetic and weak for not showing someone the care that they needed.
We’re now sitting at work freaking… we usually wear our headphones and listen to music when we’re like this, but each time the cords touch our neck we’re triggered into thinking his hands are around our neck again. We can’t stop shaking and jumping at each sound or flash of light. Only four more hours before we can go home to the safety of the house…
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Now playing: Brooke Fraser – Lifeline
via FoxyTunes
Superficial happiness & coping
I’ve noticed over the last week that we’ve moved from a state of denial to one of superficial happiness and coping. I’m not sure which is worse. Both of these states allow me to block out the chaos caused by some of our negative actions and allow me to get through the day at work without too much trouble…
The ex-husbands birthday is less than a week away. To understand what that day meant to us in the past, read this potentially triggering post we did last year at about this time. I know we’re nearly a year gone with no interaction from him, but the memories are still very fresh. What’s been interesting is that we’ve been remembering more of the good times as well as the bad – he could make us laugh and smile… Sometimes the two are blending in our memory, so they’re flicking from him laughing to him hurting us almost seamlessly.
Hating anniversaries… hating this depersonalised functioning…
