Alone again
I’ve just dropped the mother off at the airport. She agreed to go home last night – so she doesn’t put me through more “torture” (her words).
I feel like the worst daughter ever. I know she doesn’t mean any harm and she was trying to help, but it wasn’t working. When we woke up this morning, I thought maybe I’d made a mistake and she should stay… But then on the way to the airport she was talking about the cold snap that has come up the country and how it would hurt all the lambs (yes, I can’t even type what really would have happened to them). I don’t watch the news at this time of the year because I know they will show the horrific shots of the lambs in trucks. In my world, no lambs get hurt… Most people would realise that you shouldn’t talk about cute animals being hurt to someone who is DID and suicidal, not so my mother. This is why I’m sure that she really doesn’t understand DID or me. She doesn’t intend to be cruel or nasty, she just doesn’t realise the implications of her words.
Because of her words, this is how Sophie was feeling last night… It’s bad when one of our most high functioning and optimistic one does a collage like this.
PDF 
I understand your feelings, but I think it’s good that your mother has gone earlier. I hope Sophie feels a little better. I’m glad you found a distraction last night ((()))
I’ve heared the news about the cold snap in your country in television and it must be real horrible. Don’t want to think about it :(
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castorgirl Reply:
October 10th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
Thank you :) I know it was the only solution, but all the messages about being bad, nasty and evil for throwing our mother out are swirling around in my head.
I heard that the cold didn’t hit the South Island like they expected, only the North Island where the lambs are older and tougher…
(((warm safe hugs)))
CG
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I agree, and I salute you for your strength and courage in doing what you needed to do to look after yourself. Well done!
Now stop flagellating yourself p-l-e-a-s-e.
I think the collage is sad, but also beautiful. :)
[Reply]
castorgirl Reply:
October 11th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
But I’m so good at self-flagellation… :)
Sophie thanks you for the comment about her set…
Take care,
CG
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I’m sorry you are so upset by allowing your mother to go home. You shouldn’t have to hurt just to be close to her. Life shouldn’t be so hard.
Yes, the collage is beautiful, even if it was drawn in sadness. It is a beautiful way to express the emotion.
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castorgirl Reply:
October 11th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I keep on being told that life is hard, so I just need to get over it. But I know you’re right…
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Hi,
Yes sad, but also beautiful. Yous make beautiful collages.
I’m sorry that your mother just doesn’t get it. That is a huge issue. And good for you for her leaving early.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
[Reply]
castorgirl Reply:
October 11th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Thanks Kate, I’m trying not to beat myself up over all of this. But it’s pretty hard not to.
The mother will never understand it all. I don’t really expect her to, but I do wish she’d at least consider her words which would be hurtful whether I was DID or not – they’re just hurtful.
Take care,
CG
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sometimes its better to say no more than suffer through more pain
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castorgirl Reply:
October 16th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
I know JIP, it’s just really hard to admit to and accept…
Thank you :)
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