Scattered pieces

Story in her eyes – by castorgirl on Polyvore.com

What story do the abusers see in their victims eyes?
Do they see anything, or are they too scared to look?
I wonder if the look in a victims eyes has ever haunted them or kept them awake at night?

Sophie.

This morning was a very odd therapy session.  It started off with Aimee coming forward, which isn’t unusual when we are unsure of what to expect – she’s a very happy and outgoing younger one who often checks out what is happening in a non-threatening way.  We talked briefly about the mix-ups with the dates which led to a conversation about the “I beg your pardon” phrase which triggered us from her email.  This in turn raised the issue as to why that phrase is a trigger and the rules that were enforced by the parents.  This trigger started from an event when we were 6-7 and involved the mother washing the second brothers mouth out with soap and us being punished for ruining the oldest brothers hat by the father.  What staggered us all is that these incidents are being held by a young one in The Basement of our internal house.  She’s never talked to anyone on the outside as far as we’re aware.  She’s very devoid of emotions, and has what I’d consider to be rather disturbing reaction to the soap washing incident – she was fascinated.  Not horrified, scared or worried; but fascinated.  I find that rather disturbing and scary.  She feels no desire to hurt anyone else, but was fascinated by watching it occur.

She’s also a rather stubborn little thing.  The hat destruction incident was not caused by us, but we were blamed for it and forced to sit on the bed until we admitted that we had done it – the father was sick of our lies.  This little one refused to admit to something that she didn’t do, so just sat on the bed for hours.  The brothers and sister taunted her, but she just sat there.  It got to the point where the brothers and sister told her to admit to it so that the father would calm down.  It was only then that she admitted to something she didn’t do – in other words she had to lie about something in order to let the father know that she wasn’t going to lie about things anymore – nice double bind for a 6-7 year old don’t you think…

The therapist also tried to check out our awareness of the body.  I hate this line of questioning…  Our awareness of the body alters depending on our level of anxiety, whose present and what sort of physical pain we’re in – we have a spine defect which means there’s always some level of pain.  But generally our awareness of the body is pretty minimal.  It’s an odd concept to explain to anyone who doesn’t experience it themselves.  The therapist seemed to understand that though, so it wasn’t too bad.

Then the really awful part of the session – what diagnosis do we have?  She questioned the number of previous therapists we’ve had (3-4 which she’d wrong written down in her notes previously as 34) and questioned about Borderline Personality Disorder.  We’d been sent through from the crisis team at one stage with BPD as a diagnosis, but had failed to meet the criteria once tested for the personality disorders.

It was a very odd session which again raised some concerns about her very therapisty approach, but we’re going to see what happens after a few more sessions…

In other news, it looks like it’s all over with Kriss.  Not 100% sure, as we haven’t heard back from him after the weekend.  We’re just not healed enough to be able to cope with the relationship.  We read too much into actions (or lack thereof) and it was too much for us to cope with.  It also just isn’t fair on him, he didn’t sign up for this…

This weekend we HAVE to finish the abuse history for ACC.  So far other fascinating jobs have meant that we’ve been unable to do this.  Jobs such as – doing the shopping; searching for images for a Polyvore set which we ended up not doing; doing household chores; trying to find a new container for a pot plant; playing cards online; answering some messages on YouTube; going to the library to drop off some books not due back for three weeks; this post…  So yeah, like vital stuff :)

Kinda wondering how long we can make this post…

Or maybe we’ll just spell check it lots…

Ohhh Earth Hour means we can’t do anything on the computer between 8.30 and 9.30…

To continue the random theme, there was a very odd conversation on Thursday between B and one of the student assistants at work.  He worked for over 10 years in a psychiatric ward while living in England – he refused to do similar work over here when he saw the conditions, techniques and methodologies used.  We’ve talked previously about mental health issues in general – he has no idea about our diagnoses.  He’s another of our cynical buddies who questions everything – usually appropriately.

Ok, so back to Thursday…  He’d been working the front desk for a couple of hours and when we came out he was ready to pull what remains of his hair out.  He’d had a stream of what he called “thick as” students.  Did I mention that he is probably one of the most intelligent people I know?  After showing his concern about the lack of common sense and academic ability amongst the student body of the institution, we joked about this factor being what made us feel more sane.  Usually he would joke along with us, but for some reason on Thursday he didn’t.  I’m not sure if he spotted us as being more vulnerable or what it was, but instead of the usual banter that would go long the lines of “we feel more sane and intelligent because we’re faced with greater stupidity and insanity”… he just straight up said “I’ve never noticed your brain not working correctly.  It works fine.”  At first we thought he was still playing around; but no, he was really serious.

M just reminded me that on Thursday we had our first appointment with the woman’s support programme, so we probably looked vulnerable to someone who knew what clues to look for.  I know he’s looked closely at our arm a couple of times – one self-injury scar is noticeable if you know what it is.  Hmmm going to have to be very “normal” with him this week and hope he forgets last week.

While we’re putting off the inevitable ACC hoop jumping exercise…  We’ve sort of reached an odd point with this blog.  We enjoy writing here, but as with anything that goes on the Internet it is open to misunderstanding, insults and ridicule.  We’ve experienced all of these in the YouTube and Polyvore sites, and we’ve recently experienced it from one of our blog entries.  With the YouTube comments, they were easily ignored because they obviously were from a very conservative view that was so out of touch with reality that it unsettled us, but didn’t really hurt too much.  But with the Polyvore and the blog instances it was a little harder to cope with.  It also tends to happen more when Sophie is involved – possibly because she is softer emotionally and that can show in the work we do.  There’s not much that we can do about it – it tends to be other people with issues pushing their extreme ideas.

Ohhh well, better go and find something else to use as an avoidance technique…

Yesterday we were meant to have our third appointment with the new therapist.  It was written on the appointment card that she gave us and everything…  We dutifully turn up our usual 3-5 minutes early (after giving ourselves about 10 minutes in the car to orientate everyone to being there).  We then waited… and waited… and waited…  After 45 minutes of waiting we gave-up and left.

While waiting, I’m very aware that someone wanted to curl-up on the chair and cry – I’m pretty sure it was a young part who has a close connection to Cloudie and her garden.  So it was not a fun wait, it also was an indication that we really needed to talk to someone that we didn’t need to maintain our facade of sanity with…

When we got home, we e-mailed the therapist to ask her what had happened…  Her response was a very reasonable…

I beg your pardon.  I had you in my diary for … [time] … on the … [date a week earlier] … , which of course you would not have attended if I put the incorrect date on your card.  So sorry!  Would you like to make another time?

Best regards

There’s a couple of problems with this response – the first being that she had actually written down the correct time and date on the card, it was her diary that she’d got it wrong.  But, mistakes happen…  A therapist is still human who will make mistakes…

The second problem is the one we’re really struggling with.  It’s totally our own fault and has knocked us for a six.  It’s to do with her first sentence – I beg your pardon.  This seemingly innocent statement caused so much turmoil and triggering.  Intellectually we know it’s meaning – sorry, excuse me, what did you say? etc.  These seem innocuous enough.  But for a couple of the youngs one those words mean something totally different…

All we hear is those words being yelled at us with such anger and hatred, the words are then followed by whack! The mother is the one yelling at us.  I’m not sure if the whack is a physical blow, or a reaction to the anger and hatred with which the phrase is yelled at us.  There is cowering, fear, terror and a promise to never speak like that again… I promise… I promise… no more… honest… sorry… I’ll be good… *we need to be quiet*

It’s so hard to seperate what the therapist has emailed us, and what the trigger response has brought up.  We’re fighting hard to not be dragged into the flashback and the chaos that will bring.  We’re fighting hard not to associated the therapist with that memory…

Growing up, our neighbour had an amazing garden.  Often we would sit on the fence post and watch her work in the garden.  When we were old enough, we were allowed to help her as well.  Those times in the garden with Cloudie (as she was nicknamed by all the neighbourhood kids) are some of the best memories that we have of the childhood.  We found out today that she has gone into hospice care as her cancer has now advanced to the point where she probably won’t be with us for much longer.

Take care my friend…
You will be missed…
You saved us more times than you will ever know…
You gave a place of sanctuary to an awkward girl that no one loved, for that I thank you…

The Garden – by castorgirl on Polyvore.com

We came across a metaphor in another blog regarding everyday coping and our reaction to it was so typical of many of the metaphors that have been told to us in a healing context.  I would reply to the person who has the metaphor in their blog, but this is more about our reaction to it, rather than anything that could help them…  It might have helped them smile, but I didn’t want to run the risk.

The metaphor…
There is a smooth soccer field that represents daily experiences, with the triggered unconscious memory creating a gopher hole in the field.  You watch for the pattern of gopher holes and use a feather to gently smooth the disturbed dirt back over the holes to smooth them out.  The important part is to look for the gopher hole patterns.

Reactions…

Young parts – But won’t that hurt the gophers?  They need the holes to get out and feed and everything?  Gophers are cute, we need to save them.

Protectors of the young parts, trying to reassure the young parts – The gophers aren’t really there, they’re just pretend gophers.  We don’t even have gophers in New Zealand.

Perfectionists – We must smooth out those holes at any cost.

Organisers after hearing the young ones concerns - So if we re-locate the gophers, can we fill in the holes?  Suddenly a re-location plan for non-existent gophers gets under-way.

A cynic – What do we care about soccer fields for anyway?

The frustrating thinker – But if we cover up the holes with the gophers in them, aren’t they just going to create more holes elsewhere on the field?  Isn’t covering them up just like repressing the memories that has got us into this mess?  This will trigger our need to be perfect.

M – this is similar to the metaphor we used to describe our life a few years ago with our first therapist.  But we said the field was like the Killing Fields in Cambodia as they are now – it’s lush and gorgeous on the surface, but the unexploded land mines are just under the surface waiting for us to step on.

B – Well OK, I just sat back and observed.

This incident does help us understand why we seem to go in circles with our healing so often.  This sort of thinking and conversation all happened at once.  Within minutes of the metaphor being mentioned, a field had been created internally and the organisers were drawing up plans for the re-location (of the non-existant gophers).  A complication came in when the perfectionists said that no one was allowed to walk on the field because they might make the mess worse.

Ohhh we’re so literal at times!

Today was the ACC mediation appointment.  It was an interesting experience…

1. Don’t assume that because the representatives of ACC are ringing in for the mediation, that it will be any less stressful than seeing them in the flesh – it won’t be.
2. If you’re a mediator for a sensitive claim, DON’T try to reassuringly touch the claimants arm if she is stressed.  This will have the side effect of causing the claimant to “freak” and nearly bring the mediation to an early closure (about 10 mins in).
3. Ensure that if you are the claimant in an ACC mediation process, that you have a kick arse advocate!  We have a kick arse advocate :)
4. If you’re the ACC representative, don’t disclose that a request for a full copy of the claimant’s file was not followed – it will annoy her no end and cause a dissociative switch.
5. If you’re the ACC representative, DON’T call into question the assessors and peer reviewers credentials – it doesn’t make the process look all that equitable or transparent.
6. If you’re the ACC representative, DON’T say that the peer reviewer who slashed the claimants entitlements “wrote the book” on the assessing guidelines – especially when the guidelines are actually written by the American Medical Association…  The big clue about this one is on the title page of the guidelines :)
7. If you’re a mediator for ACC and are alone in the room with the claimant, don’t talk about your Lemon De-tox diet – she really doesn’t care.  Although it was a good attempt at trying to make a hellish situation a little more bearable…
8. If you’re the claimant, try not to self-injure while in the middle of mediation.  OK so it was only scratching, but it’s not a good look!
9. If you’re the mediator, DON’T ask at the end of the mediation if the claimant really works full-time with a rather stunned look on your face – it really made us feel really inadequate that we couldn’t keep it together for the two hour meeting.

Mediation over!  We just have to write up our full abuse history, detail why we are such a mess in our daily functioning and try to explain DID as a support function which allows us to work full-time…  So… like… yeah… like a piece of cake really!

We then have the prospect of having to do another assessment if they still don’t change their entitlement allocations significantly…  Are we having fun yet?

This week has been “odd”.  There are still many more walls than usual between us and the outside world, which is strange because things have been really positive this week…

1. Found a therapist.
2. Talked to Amy – we’re SO proud of how you’ve coped with everything that you’ve been through lately Amy :)
3. Been more aware of work and those around us.
4. Been accepted into the IRIS program – the result of the assessment the other week.
5. Despite us not being aware of a landlord inspection, we passed – even though the house was a mess!

We also heard from Kris for the first time in over a week – he’d been unwell.  It was very strange chatting to him again.  Because we seem to have such a short term memory for any positive emotive response, during that week of non contact, we’d totally forgotten him.  We can’t remember his voice, sense of humour, intelligence – it’s all just gone from our awareness.  We’ve chatted briefly through IM a couple of times, but there are still huge walls there.  It’s almost like we’re talking to him for the first time again.  I really don’t want to put him through any more – the guy has already seen and experienced so much of our craziness that I just don’t want to have to be putting him through another round of it.

We also have the ACC mediation meeting on Monday.  We’re not really sure what to expect, but we think the only outcome will be for there to be another full psychiatric assessment to determine our level of functioning.  Last time they assessed us as 50% impaired in our global functioning.  Apparently that means that we shouldn’t be able to work or take care of ourselves unassisted.  They don’t see the DID as being the factor that allows us to get that assistance without any outward sign of that assistance.

We know that we’re still highly anxious about Monday and talking to Kriss.  So we know there is still reasons for the walls and barriers to be there.  Just feels very strange considering what a positive week it’s been.

Mind you… we did have to endure a 3 hour database tutorial today!!!  It was mind-numbing torture.  It got to the point where even the politest of the librarians was asking “is it time to put on the jug?”  Another one arranged for the student assistant who had come in to cover the desk to buzz him for assistance every 15 minutes.  Our cynical friend refused to come back to the training after the first hour long session :)

Carrie has told me that if we just breathed, it would be OK…

Today we had the second appointment with the new therapist – it went ok.  She knows about DID!  She even has other clients who are DID!  She was gentle with her questioning – she asked M to try and notice what was happening internally as we were going through the session.  She was really aware of organising the seating in the room so we were comfortable.  She has lots of nice looking stuffed toys – a big plus for some of us :)

The only drawbacks so far is that the building she has her office is a converted old house that sort of reminds us of the Grandfathers house (not a bad thing, just a bit unsettling); the neighbourhood it’s in is a bit rough which is a little triggery for some of us; and well she’s someone new and we don’t know if we can really trust her.  As you can see, these are not really huge issues.  We’ll get used to the office and work on building a relationship with her.

So YAY, we seem to have found a new therapist who isn’t freaked or fascinated by the dissociation :)