Not coping – and really annoyed about it!
It’s official, we’re not coping!
We engaged in self-injury for the first time in months over the weekend. It’s never serious, it’s never in a place that others can see it, but it’s an indication that things are spiraling out of control again. Part of the reason is the pressure that is bearing down us – people contacting us through YouTube, people at work, start of the semester…
We coped well during the week of the anniversary by being in a very dissociated, protective state. It’s only now that those ones are stepping back that we’re getting the backlash. Weird responses such as sitting at the computer talking to Kriss through IM and suddenly getting the sweaty smell of the ex-husband all around us. We’re feeling very much like a caged animal that is being poked at by sticks. The need to lash out is incredible – but who would we lash out against? We’d never knowingly hurt anyone else and would not put their safety at risk – if only we regarded our own body worthy of this respect.
Another indication that we’re struggling is that some of us are at peace and content. Quite often when we’re going into a downward spiral the difference between those who are at peace and sad or angry becomes greater. Not quite sure why this is, but it has happened consistently. It is at these times that the soothing messages about suicide being the ideal option become stronger. These messages are always harder to ignore when they are soothing…
The final straw came in two forms yesterday:
1) Someone on YouTube sending us a message about forgiving our abusers and accepting God into our hearts. We respect everyones right to exercise their religious freedom, as long as it doesn’t negatively impact on anyone else. But why would someone do such a random message? The person talked about letting go of the anger towards our abusers. We don’t hate them, we don’t feel anything but confusion and self-blame about it all.
2) At work there is a vacancy for a position that will be working closely with us and is two grades lower, meaning less responsibility. We found out yesterday that the library manager was going to offer the position to the person at a pay level $5000 above our current salary. So we would basically be supervising someone who is earning more than us.
One moment at a time…
