Scattered pieces

We struggle to help others understand what it’s like living with the internal noise of DID.  We’re not really sure we understand it fully and we don’t know how it compares to those who live with the level of internal conversations amongst the different “I” functions that usually exist in everyone.

We talked to our friend from America briefly and he explained it to his wife in a way that we thought was excellent in it’s simplicity.  They are staying at her relatives house and on Christmas Day they had many people from different generations present – from babies through to those in their 80′s.  It was mid afternoon so there was a usual mayhem that occurs in a full house when its snowing outside – children running around; some children crying from a fall or wound; teens being loud or silent; adults both “alcohol enhanced” and sober carrying on different conversations; and the elders sitting quietly watching the whole performance and trying to add the occasional piece of advice.

In amongst all of this usual level of quite loud noise, he asked his wife to come into the bedroom, lie on the bed, close her eyes and just listen.  She said at first that she didn’t hear anything, but when asked again said “Ohh you mean the kids and everything”… His response – Yes, this is the noise that is in my head nearly all the time.  It’s in my head and I can’t just walk away from it.

We thought this was a great way to show others what it can be like.  With us we have a constant level of background noise which usually isn’t an issue.  It’s just when it gets to the level of constant internal screaming that the problems begin.

Yes, we’re struggling today… hence the two posts on the same day.  Anything to maintain some train of thought, keep focused and minimise the dissociation…  The level of noise is high and the feeling of running in circles banging into things as we run is getting worse.

We’ve met some really amazing and inspiring people through the online community who have helped us in ways they will never realise – whether it be from just a kind word, an entry or clip that validates our experiences or by talking to them online or on the phone.  But we always struggle with how to communicate…

We don’t know how to form and maintain friendships.  We’ve never had any lasting friendships and would probably be described as fickle in our friendships.  We know that the true motivation for this is a combination of not feeling worthy of having friends and protecting ourselves from any hurt that comes from caring about someone enough to let them inside our rather impressive walls.

Basic things like making comments on someones blog entry can take a great deal of thought and time in order to try and minimise the potential for stuffing it up.  This often happens to the point where we tie ourselves in knots with our thinking and editing and just post it out of frustration or stupidity.  So a partially edited comments goes out there and we feel AWFUL.  We avoid the blog and panic.  It’s worse when we care about the opinion of the person or the subject matter of the entry.

We know this is all due to a total lack of confidence…  Something that people around us in the 3D world don’t really seem to get.  We’re considered high achievers.  We stand in front of up to 40 people and teach Information Literacy.  On Monday at work we were all sitting around having afternoon tea and one of the ladies was talking about blueberries and whether to make them into muffins or leave them as is.  Our team leader said she preferred them raw… out of nowhere, one of us said “Ohhhh wrap them in muffin, they’re better that way”.  It was one of the less embarrassing things one of us has said uncensored, but it gives an indication of how much we have to try and think about what we say and how we say it.

We just don’t have the confidence to bounce back from set-backs… we’re a bit fragile at the moment and HATE being it.