Scattered pieces

So yesterday we went to therapy – yippee!!!
Yes, we can do sarcasm.

Not sure which of us is sounding more like a broken record at the moment – Bob with her “you decided to integrate” line, or us with the “but how can we integrate when we don’t know who is there and what they do” line.

We did get some clarification as to why we’re being encouraged down this track – we’ve been doing DBT skills for the last two years and it hasn’t allowed us to move forward, so working on the structure of the dissociation will. Hmmm many of us question this statement as our previous therapist had no working knowledge of DBT, but anyway… Because we haven’t dug enough of a hole for ourselves over the last couple of weeks, someone thought they’d challenge her…

Shovel #1 -
We didn’t voluntarily decide to integrate, of the three options Bob presented it was the least disgusting.

Shovel #2 -
We haven’t read any articles that promote what Bob is proposing.

Shovel #3 -
We don’t know how to integrate – if we did we would have done it years ago.

At this point, we decided that a shovel just wasn’t making the hole deep enough. So we got out the heavy digger…

Bucket #1 -
We could just tell Bob we’d integrated and she’d never know.
This is our big fear – we’ll try to please her and cause more hiding in the process.

Bucket #2 -
Considering that we’re not aware of the other parts, how is integrating them going to help stop the suicidal ideation? It may increase the memory gaps if we unknowingly make the destructive parts stronger with an integration.

Then the final straw – we eliminated the need for earth moving equipment and just threw a stick of explosives into the hole…

Our internal house has four floors. There is little communication between floors. So we tried to explain this with the comparison in the real world setting… It’s sort of like you live in one house and the other floors are represented by other houses in the street. You may now that 5 people live in the house two down from you, but you’ve never met or talked to them. So if you decide to integrate that house into one person, it doesn’t really impact on you as you’re two houses away. So yes, we’d put the Attic up for integration. With the exception of Carrie (floor protector), Buffie (roamer) and One; no one has any knowledge of what goes on in there. We know that is where the innocents are kept, but that’s it! So sure, integrate that floor. Heck we need to make the good parts stronger, so it makes sense to get that floor as strong as possible.

There are a couple of small problems with this plan…
#1 – We have no idea who is there, so how can we integrate them.
#2 – Carrie is one scary arse protector and she doesn’t like this new therapist.

So we’re heading into the holidays with no real idea of what we’re doing. We’re trying to see if there is a way to make it work with the current therapist, but I think we’re talking at each other in different languages. When we said that we wanted to research the model of therapy she is proposing, she said that wouldn’t be helpful. It would be more helpful to research the parts in the Attic… We know there is a logic in this statement, so it makes us feel as if we are blocking healing as we just don’t know how to do it. We don’t have enough memory of the childhood to even know where or why the innocents may have been separated off.

We know we over analyse things. We know we go off on tangents. She thinks we’re doing this to halt our own healing. She said that if we didn’t want to change, there’s no point in going back to see her or anyone else. Our big fear is that if we decide to not see her anymore, she will write to ACC that we are not willing to change and they’ll stop funding our therapy. Maybe we need to stop therapy, maybe we don’t want to change. We not sure anymore… *Sigh*

This is a clip we did when she first mentioned the “eviction” technique…