Scattered pieces

In our recent attempts to get some answers from our therapist, we sent the following emails…

We’re bad at code names… So she is “Bob” and we are “Kate”… Those who’ve watched Blackadder will understand this :)

Hi Bob,

Some concerns have arisen from the last few sessions. I realise that you would prefer us to raise these questions during a session, but these are ones that I need to think about your responses to quite extensively, so don’t want to risk a poor reaction that is out of context or un-necessary.

1. What diagnosis do you understand me to have?
2. What experience do you have in treating this diagnosis?
3. How long can I expect sessions with you to continue?
4. If ACC refuse to fund further sessions, do you have someone you recommend that I see who specialises in the area of this diagnosis?

To be honest, if I was working on the “one strike you’re out” mentality that you mentioned during yesterday’s session, sessions would have stopped a long time ago. All that occurred is that time was needed to process what you had said – nothing more, nothing less.

Yes, there is a certain level of black and white thinking – as is common with most survivors of trauma. However, this thinking is more turned on myself rather than others – if there is a misunderstanding, it is my fault; if there is evil, it is mine…

If you see resistance to change, this is because there is a feeling that you are attempting to change things without fully understanding what is occurring. Rules you established were done so with little understanding of the whole picture. There is a struggle to help people understand what goes on in this head as there are not the words to describe it – education background in Sciences rather than Arts/Social Sciences. So I know that the lack of communication as to what the full picture looks like is my fault. When attempts have been made to try and explain why the rules may not work, you don’t seem to be grasping the implications – again this is my inability to explain the full picture. There is again a lack of hope that I will be able to find help.

Regards
Kate

Bob’s response after being prompted to give a reply…

Hi Kate,
You are welcome to email me, but I do not think it would be helpful for you if we did therapy through email. I would rather we discussed therapy issues in sessions.
Kind regards
Bob

Well this response was fair enough… I’m sure most of her clients are better in this form of boundary… BUT WE’RE NOT!!!!!!!! Hence our response…

Hi Bob,

Thank you for responding. I understand your response, and it is reasonable. However, as I dissociate freely during therapy time, the answers you give won’t be remembered. I also don’t have the strength or level of trust to ask difficult questions during the session, so these will not be asked. Due to these factors I was attempting to have issues addressed in a way that is safe for me and allows time to reflect on the answers given.

No answer you give will surprise – you have the notes and the list of diagnoses given over the last three years. It’s not a list to be proud of, but it also means that there is nothing that will shock me.

As the next session will be a few days before Christmas, it is not a good time to discuss this then.

Regards
Kate

We were rather soft at the end, and possibly gave the impression that we are prepared to talk about it in a session some time next year… Trying to find a way of saying “Just give us the answers woman” without it sounding threatening or nasty.

To make things worse, we’ve had to cancel tomorrow’s therapy session because of this cold we have… So odds are she thinks we’re playing games or something… *sigh*

Well ok, so we can’t breathe freely because of the stupid cold we have… But financially we can breathe a little more easily. The money to assist in paying for our therapy has come through from ACC, so the huge debt we’d been stuck with from the separation and the cost of therapy has been eased a little…

We’re still in a rather large financial hole, but at least we’ll be able to buy food and petrol when we need it. Yes, we know there are other people out there struggling more than us… We also know that the only reason we’re haven’t had to declare bankruptcy is that most of the debt is a private loan – to the mother who won’t demand it back soon, but its tied to all sorts of other issues. So we’re grateful that we are able to live in a flat and feed our cat.

On the therapy front… We’d tried to get our therapist to answer some questions via email to see where she stands on what diagnosis she is treating us for, and what experience she has with this diagnosis. Her response was a fairly reasonable “we will talk about therapy while in therapy”. That’s fine, we’d love to be able to talk about this in therapy. However, we dissociate so much during therapy that we won’t remember the answers; and we just don’t have the courage or level of trust to ask these difficult questions while sitting in front of her. Will wait to see what her response to that is…