Scattered pieces

This is a poem we wrote today…
Not sure why today as we weren’t triggered or anything. We actually met this really nice guy online and chatted with him for about 6 hours.
We’re not good at any of the Arts, so the poem isn’t great and anyone who knows about poetry will be able to rip it to shreds, but you get that :)

Darkness

Darkness closes in
Surrounding the trembling figure
Cowering in the corner
Waiting for the pain to begin

Darkness closes in
Touching the skin like a kiss
She shrinks back
Further and further back into herself

She glimpses the pain
But it belongs to someone else
Someone stronger
Someone braver, harder… evil

She glimpses the rage
But it belongs to someone else
Not her
She never feels anything

Sometimes wonder about this mind and all the weird stuff it does…

Driving home along by where this farm is they had the sheep with all their lambs in the front paddock. They’re so cute either jumping all over the place or curled up getting some sleep…

Too cute for words.

Makes the day a lot more bearable!

We had our weekly appointment with the clinical psychologist today and it was kinda funny. She’s this rather reserved woman who seems to know the right thing to say and how to say it (she’s good at her job in other words). But today I showed her the ACC impairment report and she kept on saying (loudly) “But how can they do that….???” It was good to hear :) we weren’t being overly sensitive, our concerns about the report are correct :)

She’s going to write a letter saying how the second report is rubbish, and the reason I can work is BECAUSE of the defence mechanism of dissociation. So the abuse has lead to me appearing high functioning, but is a mask that hides the dysfunction to the rest of the world.

She also directly talked about how to handle the alters today. Apparently there were a few odd texts that were sent to her over the weekend, so she wants an agreement that any texts that go to her are to be approved by Management first. We said that this can happen 9 out of 10 times, but that there are times when the dissociation is out of control so it may not work. She was alright with that, as long as we tried and didn’t play games – she didn’t state “playing games” but its what it boils down to… fair enough as well.

She’s also going to apply for more sessions so we can keep seeing her for a little bit longer. Thankfully she raised the subject. We’ve been worried about it for the last week, as we knew we must have been getting close to the end of our sessions with her.

I know its kinda sad to say, but it feels really good to have someone on our side. I know our other therapist is, but sometimes she just doesn’t have the skills to cope with the craziness that is our life.

Well we got the final numbers from ACC regarding our impairment due to the abuse… 20% total.
Absolutely blown away at how low it became after the last peer review.

Know it shouldn’t matter, but it does. It feeds into the idea that we’re making all of this up, that it isn’t all that bad and that we just need to get on with it.

Wish this mind would stop playing tricks on itself.

Due to having NO sleep last night because of the text we got from the ex-husband, we spent the majority of today down at the police station! We decided to lay a complaint about the breach of the Protection Order because, even though the text wasn’t abusive, it affected us really badly. We went down there expecting them to give him a call and tell him not to contact us again – cos ya know it wasn’t all that bad…

Officer Dude had other ideas!

He wanted to know why they hadn’t been notified of the assault in February, why we hadn’t had the Family Violence group come visit us for an impact statement, and why we hadn’t had a call from Victim Support… Geez we didn’t even know we were meant to get all of that. Apparently the after hours clinic we went to for the injuries should have followed up on the assault – and they didn’t :/

For the first time we met a really nice policeman who cared and wanted to help. He was really angry when it looked like the police down where the ex is now living hadn’t served him with the Protection Order correctly (thankfully they had). He told us about some of the other cases that he was working with so that we felt more like this was a good thing to do. He gave the ex a moderate risk of being violent, even though he lives about 5 hours away by car – we explained that our fear is that he will get angry about something and jump in the car and get angrier as he comes up the country to get us.

I know it sounds dumb… but it’s both great and TERRIFYING when someone believes what we say and believes we’ve been hurt… it’s like if they believe us, then maybe it really did happen!!??!!??

We’d kinda like to believe that it didn’t, or it wasn’t really all that bad…

We can’t believe it…
He’s sent us a text tonight.
We thought we were finished with him.
The text is in violation of the Protection Order.
We’re absolutely shaken to the core again.
How dare he!

We were starting to settle again after having a really rough week with the Mother’s Birthday and Father’s Day, and now this… :’(

Been reading some stuff about how you can’t be happy until you decide to be… How do you decide to be happy???? We’d really like that.

What a wild and nasty trip this weekend was…

Our GP has refused to prescribe Clonazepam because of the suicide and addiction risks, so we’ve had to resort to going to after hour clinics to get the medication to allow us to cope when the anxiety and dissociation get really bad. Well due to the continuing separation drama and the dictate to have another psychiatric assessment, things have been a bit stressful! So on Sunday we went to the clinic and were forced to describe all of the abuse we’d experienced before they would prescribe. Couldn’t believe it, we were sitting there scratching the arm open to try and stop the internal talking and the anxiety and this male doctor was asking about the different incidences, who the perpetrators were etc.

He then wouldn’t let us leave without a contract to not attempt suicide. Like a contract with him meant anything????? The guy had just effectively destroyed and re-victimised us and he wanted us to play nice and make a contract! Of course we shook his hand (touch = a HUGE trigger) and said everything would be fine. We knew that if we could have the Clonazepam, the need to run away would fade back to its usual level, but its always an internal agreement. Agreements with anyone in the real world mean little. We avoid making contracts or agreements that we know will be difficult to keep as they’re at odds with internal agreements. We can’t lie and we must keep our word within the real world, but it doesn’t mean much…

Because of all of this, we’re thinking that we’ll just see out the remaining sessions we have with the clinical psychologist and then give up the therapy. It’s been too destructive lately. We can’t keep on having assessments and opening these wounds.

We coped before going to therapy, so we can cope again without it…
Our story and we’re hoping it’s true…

We’re lost and not sure where to go.

We’ve been referred to a psychiatrist for a medication review, but it’s turned into a full on psychiatric assessment. To make it worse, he splits it up over two shorter sessions. It’s meant to make it easier, but it just makes it more terrifying.
The separation has again hit another snag as he is playing more mind and control games.

Spent most of the night rocking and trying to calm down.
At work, but unable to think or even hold a conversation.

Suicide is again coming up as the only valid option. Trying to fight the messages and trying anything to distract from the thoughts. But it’s really difficult :’(

When does it get better?

This week the clinical psychologist we’ve been seeing is on holiday, so we’re going to see our regular therapist tomorrow. It’s really weird, we’re expecting to feel excited about seeing her again and filling her in on what work we’ve been doing with the clin psyc… some of the littles are, but there’s more a sense of fear. We think it’s probably our attachment issues coming up again – will she still be the same, will we be able to talk to her again or will the trust levels go back to zero????

For one day we’d really like to feel some sort of balance…

One of the women at work had a really rough weekend with her husband (who’s terminal with cancer). They went to the scallop festival, but he’d developed an abscess in his mouth which hadn’t been treated adequately when they went up to hospital a few days before. So he was miserable, she was angry at the nurses who sent them home without following correct procedures and they had to cut short their weekend. On top of that, this week is a chemo week for them!

When he had first been diagnosed, there was a collection at work for her so that she could spoil herself and hopefully forget about things for a few hours. Because they’d been stuffing around with the card, we got one last week for her. To try and make her feel a bit better after the awful weekend, the library staff gave her the card and some money today :) Poor lady was speechless and in tears.

We really wish that seeing how they’re struggling to live would ease the urges of some of the parts to escape – but it doesn’t. They just want to know why he has to suffer when they want to die. They want to swap places with him.